I don’t know where this came from, but HAH! props to the writer.
MARY: Hi! We’re here to invite you to come kiss Hank’s ass with us.
ME: Pardon me? What are you talking about? Who is Hank, and why would I want to kiss his ass?
JOHN: If you kiss Hank’s ass, he will give you a million dollars; and if you don’t, he will kick the shit out of you.
ME: What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?
JOHN: Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do what ever he wants and what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can’t until you kiss his ass.
ME: That doesn’t make any sense. Why…
MARY: Who are you to question Hank’s gift? Don’t you want a million dollars? Isn’t it worth a little kiss on the ass?
ME: Well maybe, if it is legit, but…
JOHN: Then come kiss Hank’s ass with us.
ME: Do you kiss Hank’s ass often?
MARY: Oh yes, all the time…
ME: And has he given you a million dollars?
JOHN: Well no, you don’t actually get the money until you leave town.
ME: So why don’t you just leave town now?
MARY: You can’t leave until Hank tells you to or you don’t get the money; and he kicks the shit out of you.
ME: Do you know anyone who kissed Hank’s ass, left town, and got the million dollars?
JOHN: My mother kissed Hank’s ass for years. She left town last year and I’m sure she got the money.
ME: Haven’t you talked to her since then?
JOHN: Of course not, Hank doesn’t allow it.
ME: So what makes you think he will actually give you the money if you have never talked to anyone who got the money?
MARY: Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you will get a raise; maybe you will win a small lotto; maybe you will just find a twenty dollar bill on the street.
ME: What does that got to do with Hank?
JOHN: Hank has certain…connections.
ME: I’m sorry but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game.
JOHN: But it IS a million dollars. Can you really take the chance? And remember, if you DON’T kiss Hank’s ass he will kick the shit out of you.
ME: Maybe if I could see Hank; talk to him; get the details straight from him… MARY: No one sees Hank. No one talks to Hank.
ME: Then how do you kiss his ass?
JOHN: Sometimes we just blow him a kiss and think of his ass. Other times we kiss Karl’s ass, and he passes it on.
ME: Who is Karl?
MARY: A friend of ours. He’s the one who taught us all about kissing Hank’s ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times.
ME: And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank would reward you?
JOHN: Oh no! Karl has got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining the whole thing. Here ia a copy; see for yourself.John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on - From the desk of Karl - letterhead. There were eleven items listed:
- Kiss Hank’s ass and he will give you a million dollars when you leave town.
- Use alcohol in moderation.
- Kick the shit out of people who are not like you.
- Eat right.
- Hank dictated this list himself.
- The moon is made of green cheese.
- Everything Hank says is right.
- Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
- Do not drink.
- Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
- Kiss Hank’s ass or he will kick the shit out of you.
ME: This would appear to be written on Karl’s Letterhead.
MARY: Hank did not have any paper.
ME: I have a hunch that if we checked we would find this is Karl’s handwriting.
JOHN: Of course, Hank dictated it.
ME: I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?
MARY: Not now; but years ago he would talk to some people.
ME: I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they are different?
MARY: It’s what Hank wants; and Hank is always right.
ME: How do you figure that?
MARY: Item 7 says – Everything Hanks says is right.- That’s good enough for me!
ME: Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up.
JOHN: No way! Item 5 says, – Hank dictated this list himself.- Besides, item 2 says, – Use alcohol in moderation. – Item 4 says, – Eat right. – And item 8 says, – Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.- Everyone knows *those* things are right; so the rest must be true, too.
ME: But 9 says, – Do not Drink. – which does not quite go with item 2. And 6 says, – The moon is made of green cheese. – which is just plain wrong.
JOHN: There is no contradiction between 9 and 2. 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you have never been to the moon; so you cannot say for sure.
ME: Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock…
MARY: But they do not know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese.
ME: I am not really an expert but I think the theory that the Moon came from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing *where* the rock came from doesn’t mean it *could* be green cheese rather than rock.
JOHN: Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!
ME: We do?
MARY: Of course we do, Item 5 says so.
ME: So, you’re saying that Hank is always right because the list says so; the list is right because Hank dictated it; and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so.
JOHN: Now you’re getting it! It’s so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank’s way of thinking.
ME: But…Oh, never mind. What’s the deal with the wieners? Mary blushes.
JOHN: Wieners: in buns, no condiments. It’s Hank’s way. Anything else is wrong.
ME: What if I don’t have a bun?
JOHN: No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong.
ME: No relish? No Mustard? Mary looks positively stricken.
JOHN: (shouting): There’s no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!
ME: So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?
MARY: (sticking her fingers in her ears): I am not listening to this! La la la, la la, la la la…..
JOHN: That is disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that…
ME: But it is good! I eat it all the time.
Mary faints. John catches her
JOHN: Well, if I had known you were one of THOSE, I wouldn’t have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you, I want to be there.
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