I’m really at a loss for words on how to describe someone, who seems to believe they can lay all blame on other parties. For 4 years, I catered to someone’s every whim, in the end (and for the better) only to be thrown out like yesterday’s trash. I tolerated lies, I tolerated insecurities to the point of madness, I tolerated laziness, and most of all i tolerated the constant and unending lack of respect.

I really could care less, It’s not a big deal. I am a happier person, and my life is going wonderfully, finally. My intentions in writing this are not to disgrace or say foul against someone, but rather open a door for someone else to see and maybe they in turn won’t do the same thing to someone else.

Using colorful adjectives, and blatant lies (read: inserted words) will never prove a point. In the end its all hearsay. We both know who is right and who is wrong. the problem lies in the fact that we don’t agree on who was wrong. It’s comforting to know that at every attempt to help someone in need, It was seen as a gesture of control. If the sarcasm isn’t thick enough for you, please read that again. For for years I watched someone flounder about her life, with no clear idea of where she was going. She gave up on dreams when I pushed her to follow them, she settled in an easy life when she knew she wanted more. It pained me every day to see someone I cared for fall apart, by simple inaction to follow herself and follow her own heart. In the end all the blame of wasted years was blamed on me as a controlling bastard. Whats so lovely is that I never once told her what she could or couldn’t do. I have a respect for all people, and she never once saw this side of me.

Sitting by every day seeing someone in her mind that was an ill portrayal of myself, cause her to follow some line into god only knows what.

Here’s the final lay down: I’m over it, her, and the miserable life I pretended to enjoy for so long. I was over it long ago, but for some reaosn I wished for some sort of emerging friendship which never came. I now see the person I literally “dealt” with for so long. I dealt with like a cancer on the side. Its finally gone. The misery and the cold heartless life.

To her: Good riddance. I hope you find joy in your lackluster life of fear and loneliness. Maybe for once in your life you should stand up and take some personal responsibility. Understand that YOU are the one that took 5 years to get a 4 year degree, Understand that YOU are the one that never followed through with your dreams you held onto for years. understand that YOU are the single, lonely, fearful, teacher that you strived for so long to NOT BE. I did nothing but keep the lights on in the house while you wasted away. Do not blame me for your inabilities and failure as a person. I am not the one who made your decisions.

The single greatest feeling I have right now is the fact that I am no longer with such a cold and miserable person. someone akin to “Death” himself.For this person, I have no pity.

The life I now know i was missing is here. I am uniquely happy.

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Getting back into the groove, into november, Loving every second with Farrah, and every minute of this cooler weather. Need to fix some shit on the car, need to also clean the house, if i ever find a second to sit down.

Going to tally this weekend with Mom and Farrah. First time she gets to meet the boys and Angie.

Had an excellent halloween. no drama! finally, for the first time in 4 years it wasnt painful. I was able to enjoy myself, and enjoy Farrah. Mike had a good time too, what he remembers of it!

Rented a new house in Sept, i dunno if i already wrote about it or not. beachside in Daytona, i love it. great house, plenty of room for me and guests. I even have my own vinyard! haha.

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[koh-ig-zist]

noun or verb (used without object)

1.	to exist together or at the same time.

2.	to exist separately or independently but peaceably, often while remaining rivals or adversaries: Although their ideologies differ greatly, the two great powers must coexist.

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One thing I’ve come to realize recently is that with all of humanity’s “great accomplishments” we have yet to really master the concept of coexistence. We can fly to the moon, we can create genetic clones in a test tube, we can vaccinate against AIDS, yet we cant seem to get the hang of simply living together. I sit here and I watch late night shows on discovery channel or whatever, and I see birds that mate and pair for life. regardless of what happens, those two will remain a bonded pair until they both die.

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From inside these walls I’m inherently inside a limitation i have put on myself. While I prefer to have a roof over my head, I’m sitting here thinking about all of the laws and rules we use to define our existence. Every day we strive to break free of these walls and limits of being “inside the box”, but we do it to ourselves. WE put these limits on. No one defined these rules, no one said that we have to go to work every day, or that we have to wear ties, or that we have to wake up at 7am every day. WE are making ourselves into machines and THEN we bitch about it. what kind of blasphemy is that?!

It really doesn’t make any sense. if you draw a line, and you agree to abide by it, then you cant bitch about it. maybe this is where religion gets in the way. people seem to think some greater power put these limits on us, and we aren’t to blame. we have to follow these rules because something greater than us made all this shit up.

hey, here’s some news, “they” didn’t. have some personal responsibility.

humans created time to define daylight hours and night hours.
humans created a work week to handle family life and a profitable life.
humans created laws and regulations.

all of this goes back to some basic need for order. fuck that. life doesn’t have order or laws of existence. it just happens. you cant stop it, you can only alter it. based on the decisions you make based on the given set of circumstances.

people really get to me when they say “oh, its fate” or “oh, whats meant to be is meant to be”
thats utter bullshit. there’s no such thing as fate. and it really irks me when they rely on this “god” to make them right. these religious types say “well god has a preset plan for all of us” yet they fucking stick to the idea that “god gave us free will” and when I point out the fact that it makes absolutely no fucking sense, they clam up and get offended. wtf? it’s completely illogical, you cant have free will AND a predefined fate. you just cant. thats like saying a train has a steering wheel. it just doesn’t fuckin’ work!

back to fate, its all bullshit. IF there were such thing as fate, any decision we make would not alter even our day to day lives. if i was “meant to be” with someone, then no matter what i say or do, it would have no effect on me coming into contact with her. but because i can alter my existence, i can prove there is no such thing as fate. i can get up right now, and drive to another state, and change that path i am supposed to be on.

the only way for fate to work is if we do not know of its existence. The whole idea of it is just another idea and limitation we have created to try and define the absolute and beautiful chaos of life.

I ran into a quote the other day…. “still finding beauty in the chaos of reality”
It’s so true, as painful, or awkward as life can be, its beautiful. the chaotic mess were in every minute is a random crapshoot that can bring us anywhere. we can reach amazing highs or death-bringing lows. but in the end WE make the decisions based on the given set of circumstances.

Time, love, life, work, education, family, days, nights, countries, lines, wars, highs, lows, friends, and foes… all of these are defined by a ruleset we have created and redefine everyday to fit into a social “norm” that might fit into this word called “normal”

I say fuck that. Let me live. I know what I love and dammit, I am the only one in the way of getting it.

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jason mraz…

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