I don’t know where this came from, but HAH! props to the writer.

MARY: Hi! We’re here to invite you to come kiss Hank’s ass with us.
ME: Pardon me? What are you talking about? Who is Hank, and why would I want to kiss his ass?
JOHN: If you kiss Hank’s ass, he will give you a million dollars; and if you don’t, he will kick the shit out of you.
ME: What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?
JOHN: Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do what ever he wants and what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can’t until you kiss his ass.
ME: That doesn’t make any sense. Why…
MARY: Who are you to question Hank’s gift? Don’t you want a million dollars? Isn’t it worth a little kiss on the ass?
ME: Well maybe, if it is legit, but…
JOHN: Then come kiss Hank’s ass with us.
ME: Do you kiss Hank’s ass often?
MARY: Oh yes, all the time…
ME: And has he given you a million dollars?
JOHN: Well no, you don’t actually get the money until you leave town.
ME: So why don’t you just leave town now?
MARY: You can’t leave until Hank tells you to or you don’t get the money; and he kicks the shit out of you.
ME: Do you know anyone who kissed Hank’s ass, left town, and got the million dollars?
JOHN: My mother kissed Hank’s ass for years. She left town last year and I’m sure she got the money.
ME: Haven’t you talked to her since then?
JOHN: Of course not, Hank doesn’t allow it.
ME: So what makes you think he will actually give you the money if you have never talked to anyone who got the money?
MARY: Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you will get a raise; maybe you will win a small lotto; maybe you will just find a twenty dollar bill on the street.
ME: What does that got to do with Hank?
JOHN: Hank has certain…connections.
ME: I’m sorry but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game.
JOHN: But it IS a million dollars. Can you really take the chance? And remember, if you DON’T kiss Hank’s ass he will kick the shit out of you.
ME: Maybe if I could see Hank; talk to him; get the details straight from him… MARY: No one sees Hank. No one talks to Hank.
ME: Then how do you kiss his ass?
JOHN: Sometimes we just blow him a kiss and think of his ass. Other times we kiss Karl’s ass, and he passes it on.
ME: Who is Karl?
MARY: A friend of ours. He’s the one who taught us all about kissing Hank’s ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times.
ME: And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank would reward you?
JOHN: Oh no! Karl has got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining the whole thing. Here ia a copy; see for yourself.

John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on - From the desk of Karl - letterhead. There were eleven items listed:

1. Kiss Hank’s ass and he will give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2. Use alcohol in moderation.
3. Kick the shit out of people who are not like you.
4. Eat right.
5. Hank dictated this list himself.
6. The moon is made of green cheese.
7. Everything Hank says is right.
8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9. Do not drink.
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. Kiss Hank’s ass or he will kick the shit out of you.

ME: This would appear to be written on Karl’s Letterhead.
MARY: Hank did not have any paper.
ME: I have a hunch that if we checked we would find this is Karl’s handwriting.
JOHN: Of course, Hank dictated it.
ME: I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?
MARY: Not now; but years ago he would talk to some people.
ME: I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they are different?
MARY: It’s what Hank wants; and Hank is always right.
ME: How do you figure that?
MARY: Item 7 says – Everything Hanks says is right.- That’s good enough for me!
ME: Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up.
JOHN: No way! Item 5 says, – Hank dictated this list himself.- Besides, item 2 says, – Use alcohol in moderation. – Item 4 says, – Eat right. – And item 8 says, – Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.- Everyone knows *those* things are right; so the rest must be true, too.
ME: But 9 says, – Do not Drink. – which does not quite go with item 2. And 6 says, – The moon is made of green cheese. – which is just plain wrong.
JOHN: There is no contradiction between 9 and 2. 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you have never been to the moon; so you cannot say for sure.
ME: Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock…
MARY: But they do not know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese.
ME: I am not really an expert but I think the theory that the Moon came from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing *where* the rock came from doesn’t mean it *could* be green cheese rather than rock.
JOHN: Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!
ME: We do?
MARY: Of course we do, Item 5 says so.
ME: So, you’re saying that Hank is always right because the list says so; the list is right because Hank dictated it; and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so.
JOHN: Now you’re getting it! It’s so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank’s way of thinking.
ME: But…Oh, never mind. What’s the deal with the wieners? Mary blushes.
JOHN: Wieners: in buns, no condiments. It’s Hank’s way. Anything else is wrong.
ME: What if I don’t have a bun?
JOHN: No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong.
ME: No relish? No Mustard? Mary looks positively stricken.
JOHN: (shouting): There’s no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!
ME: So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?
MARY: (sticking her fingers in her ears): I am not listening to this! La la la, la la, la la la…..
JOHN: That is disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that…
ME: But it is good! I eat it all the time.
Mary faints. John catches her
JOHN: Well, if I had known you were one of THOSE, I wouldn’t have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you, I want to be there.

well. i think ive finally mentally succombed to the fact that i am not an invincible 23yrd old. ive gained weight. im 205, i should be 170. i have high cholesterol, and my doc says that i need to lower it, or risk at heart attack at 24. my asthma has been acting up since ive gained wieght. and my energy has dropped. my metabolism is too slow, and i can/have been living off of one meal a day, maybe 2.

in other words, laziness is kicking my ass.

yesterday marked 4 years from the end. ill be 24 in april, and i want to be healthy and happy. so, today marked a new beginning. i just have to keep myself up on it. i actually sat down and used the bowflex, and i jogged with bernie. this is the first time i have actually exercised in years. i just need to convert the same drive that i have to get through bad times into a drive to succeed for a healthy future. my current habits wont keep me alive to annoy everyone forever, so i need to change.

im appalled! facebook just deleted a group on their site called “fuck jesus christ”. they did this because a religious group started a petition and got the group deleted!

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=7076362322

that is really fucked up.

FUCK YOU FACEBOOK

I saw this a while ago, and it just popped up on digg again. this should be written in stone somewhere. It was written by tweekerchick (go visit her site) and its quite hilarious/truthful. girls, please read and take notes….

_______________________________

So. A buddy from TJNR found this little gem.
It’s called Fifty Mistakes Men Make When Having Sex.

Ive never met the author, but I don’t like him.
If he wants to speak for all women and assume we all want some nerdy little pussy whipped sissy, that’s fine.

I’d like to take this opportuity to post my rebuttal, for those of you that don’t read the forums I frequent.

The Politics of Fucking
aka
50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex.

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can’t just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.
2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.
3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don’t, it’s your own fault when he’s snoozing and you’re all wound up.
4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It’s a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it’s not his fault.
5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn’t unreasonable, but when it’s time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.
6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that’s nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you’re not willing to do that, don’t expect him to switch for you.
7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.
8. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I dont know who comes up with half that shit, but I’m pretty sure they need counseling.
9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he’s pushing, skippy? Because you aren’t doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he’s given you. Pay attention to the signals that he’s sending you.
10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.
11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He’s about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.
12. Not shaving your legs. Im pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.
13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don’t want to go bare. Thats fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can’t shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.
14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That’s as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.
15. Withholding oral sex just because you’re ragging. He didn’t do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he’s hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads.
16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you’re having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like “I stubbed my toe” “I ran up the steps” or “I was putting up drywall”.
17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you’re sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it’s just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn’t be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr High.
18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn’t be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.
19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.
20. Dissing quickies because it’s not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. Theres an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.
21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn’t acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it’s an invitation, don’t look surprised when he “accidentally” sticks his cock in your butt.
22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn’t always easy. Help a brother out.
23. Undressing in the dark. If youre shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.
24. Refusing to get on top. Theres no reason men should have to do all the work.
25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn’t suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.
26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you’re riding him. It’s your body, you’re used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.
27. Being too afraid to guide your partner’s hand when hes touching you. Don’t like the way he’s doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.
28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn’t. Its your choice to stop, but don’t look all fucking surprised when he’s confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?
29. Refusing to let him take control. So your a feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn’t make you any less of one.
30. Refusing to take control. Its ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It’s not his responsibility to start things all the time.
31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.
32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don’t ignore them.
33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn’t want to deal with the mess.
34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.
35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I’d hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.
36. Refusing to try things in the name of “making love”. You’re not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.
37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it’s hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It’s how you deal with it that really matters.
38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3 some. Its the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).
39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.
40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. Its another when you snag the goods with a claw.
41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You’re having sex. That will happen. Thats the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and cant jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.
42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he’s the best you’ve had, even if he isn’t.
43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don’t. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he’s doing everything right. And if he doesn’t know its not working, he’s not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.
44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven’t showered that day, and things smell a little…fishy…perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.
45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don’t care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.
46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They’ll wash.
47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.
48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.
49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he’s probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like “it happens to every guy”. Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn’t, get off another way with him. He’s still capable of getting you off. Mumbling “Forget it” and rolling over are not ok.
50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of “was it good for you?”. Now is not a good time to ask “What this means”. Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.

That is all.

Just saw this on Digg, thought it was hilarious. Figured I’d Mirror it